Break-time

Her name is Anne. She is 24 years old. She is a lady, but that’s just the half of it. She has nothing figured out, heck! She doesn’t even know what she wants to do for the rest of her life. What counts is that she is happy. In this instant she is happy. Anne is not beautiful, at least according to her. She is sweet, she is warm and she loves to brighten people’s faces with smiles. Anne loves. That’s her greatest weakness. Despite hurting so much, she never learns but keeps on loving. She thinks it’s hypocritical to claim you will never love simply because someone hurt you too much. That’s giving a person too much control and Anne loves holding the reins of her own life. She is a free spirit. You will spot her dancing in reckless abandon on a Friday night, in a dress too tight and heels too high. She loves the night life. There is something the night lights do to her, they make her feel alive, and they light up the dark corners of her heart she doesn’t like to admit exist. She is aware of her drinking, her smoking; her friends warn her. She scoffs at them derisively. At this point in her life, she isn’t going to slow down and fit herself into a shallow definition of what a girl should be. If a man won’t love the girl dancing away in the night then he has no right to meet the calm girl who wears a Deera and likes to cook a warm meal for the man she loves. Don’t get it twisted; Anne is far from a feminist. Heck no, she loves to submit. She believes in stepping back and letting the man in her life lead the way. She will cook, clean and make love to the man she loves without batting an eyelid. Despite circumstances trying their best to turn her into a feminist, Anne loves men. No, Anne is not a whore. She is the kind of girl who believes in delayed gratification. She will make a man wait and get to know her before she lets him love her. Anne loves lying in a man’s arms, the way she feels safe and calm. She may sound strong but she is scared, so she loves strength around her. Men have disappointed her. Time and again they have proved to fit her mom’s definition of being dogs. The very first was her dad who walked out on her when she was just a toddler. In those dark and dreary days when Anne is hurting, she imagines he would have stayed had she been a cuter kid. Oh! The way her mind works. The second man who hurt her was her uncle. He left too. Anne looked up to him. After her dad left, he took the center stage as her main male role model. She stared at him smoking and idolized the way fumes rose from his lips. She loved to look at him, listen to his stories and sit on his lap watching cartoons after school. Every day, she sat watching the clock, counting the minutes till his head popped in the door telling her it was time to go home. He was even cruder than her dad in his departure, he chose death over her. Then there was her first love. The guy who swept her off her feet, the guy she loved the very first time. He did not leave her, this man she left. After years of hurting her, she decided to take her chances elsewhere.
Then there are the men in her life who haven’t yet ripped her heart out of her chest. Her brother is the star of her life. He is seven, she wishes she knew how to love him but she doesn’t. She hasn’t spent much time with him so she doesn’t know him but she feels some familiar warmth when she looks at him. He is a sweet boy with the most sincere eyes she has ever seen, she sees him once a year at most. Not that she can’t see him more but she doesn’t want to. She feels she has failed him, because she doesn’t know how to love him. So she chooses to run instead. Then there is her grandfather; the tiny powerhouse that propels her boat and all the yellow in her grey world. He is the only man she really knows how to love. She loves him unconditionally, recklessly and aggressively. She doesn’t see him as much as she would love to but whenever she does, you will find them seated on the grass outside talking for hours on end. He asking her about her life and her sparing no details just to ensure the conversation never ends. That she loves her grandfather is no secret and everyone knows he loves her too. They share one thing; they both don’t know how to love her small brother. They look at him as he passes in front of them driving an imaginary truck, they both sigh, a silent message passing across them. Anne is aware that time is an enemy when it comes to this relationship, she has noticed how weaker he seems. He is the only reason she thinks about cleaning up her act. She hopes that by the time she walks down the aisle he will still be there, strong and still sharp as ever in a black tux. She notices with dismay how much he flinches whenever he gets up and she knows that time is an enemy. So Anne considers dropping the bong and emptying out the whiskey bottles, then he looks at her with a sharp burst of life in his eyes and there, she convinces herself that there is more time.
There is a non-familiar relationship in Anne’s life that also matters. His name is Bo. Bo that name alone drives her nuts. They have been together a while yet he still leaves a trail of fire wherever he touches. She doesn’t know if she loves him and if she does, she doesn’t want to accept it. He is a calm guy with the sexiest eyes she has ever seen. He is strong and mysterious, just how male sirens come. He is sweet. He doesn’t tell her she is sexy, beautiful or that he loves her. Sometimes she loathes him for this. However, whenever she looks at her, she feels more gratification than his words ever could bring. Anne loves Bo. When she closes her eyes to sleep, Bo stares at her intently and rubs her feet with his. He wakes her in the middle of the night to pull her close. Bo makes her laugh till her sides ache. He has the best sense of humor. Most of all Bo is smart. Anne loves smart, smart turns her on. So when he speaks she listens and marvels at how awesome he is. Bo doesn’t have his shit together and Anne loves that. They are two peas in a pod.
Anne is no angel; she has made more mistakes than she likes to admit. She has betrayed people who deserved her loyalty and for this she hates herself. Sometimes she feels like she talks too much and she feels that’s one of her other shortcomings. So whenever she can she curls up on her sofa with a good book and lets the author speak to her, those are the most profound and intimate moments of her life. Anne is not a ride or die girl, at least not to many people. She would like to be more present, more helpful and more grounded. But in this instant, Anne is happy so she closes this window into her world and feels that maybe she has given away too much too soon. But then again it won’t be the very first time, it’s her home run swing. She considers editing it but decides to take a chance and let someone know her a bit more intimately. So in a futile attempt to maintain some security she skims through the text and replaces all the names with aliases. Then she sits back, smiles and writes the final mark.

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Published by: andefwa

I say it as it is. I get into trouble a lot for this reason. but then again, am an artist. And that's just how it is in our world. I have trouble with expressing myself at times. so I find it easier to let it out in third, or fourth person hihi. that in itself is a secret i just said right there. so keep it that way,will you? :-P ;-)

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