There was something about Joel. Something that made her miss him after she’d turned him down like had become her norm. Hadn’t Martin said that no man would ever look at her twice? What did they want with her? There had been people, most whose names she did not remember. She grew harsh and hostile. She did not welcome complements, genuine or not. She was not going back. Besides, sex was horrible and she was not interested. She had a pretty friend, Angela who got most of the attention. V had gotten to a comfortable zone; her walls were up, her defenses in place.
When Joel approached her, he oozed confidence. She immediately liked him. When he asked her to be his girlfriend, V wasn’t interested in him that way. She turned him down with the one statement guys do not like to hear, “I’d rather we stayed friends.”
He cut communication with her, saying he couldn’t be just friends. After a week of silence, V started to miss him and his funny jokes. She called him and just like that they began to date. They got to know each other for almost a month. She wasn’t ready just yet to sleep with him. If it were up to her, she never would. But she’d gotten accrued to the idea that dating came with sex. He waited. They had never made out either. The furthest they had gone was a warm hug. She felt comfortable around him. She started to trust again. When they finally kissed, it was better than she had expected, better than she’d had it before. She held onto her p some more, but then at some point gave it up. It was protected, and not as painful as she remembered it.
She invited him to her place. They sat there for a while then started to kiss. Things got a little intense, she pushed him away. He came back, more gentle this time. Several things were running in her mind. The top of her concern was how he would react if he found out that his patience had been for nothing; that the goods he’d been waiting for weren’t worth the effort. She froze. He got her naked, taking his time the entire time. When he finally got her on her back, she decided to lay back and let him have it. He did not just have it; he held her by the waist and positioned her like he wanted. V realized that how she lay there mattered. He raised her waist, he twisted her and turned her, and V knew just what she had to do. She caught on quick- she was a fast learner. Besides, she was flexible; she’d been a traditional dancer in high school music and drama competitions. She was swift, and now that she knew what she had to do, she knew she would be fine. Joel had taught her how to s3x.
They got tighter after that. He was far much better than her first boyfriend. Just like that, V started to put Martin in the past. Her bitterness started to fade. It wasn’t all gone, but now she felt freer. V started to build her future in the head. She started to imagine what her life would be lie with him in it. He on the other side was having his own ideas. When she talked to other boys, he instantly pictured her sleeping with them. V wasn’t about to change her personality for him. She would if she could, but V was loud and lively by nature and there was nothing she could do about it. He accused, he withdrew occasionally, and when they closed school for the long holidays, he went silent the entire time, five months of silence. V did not ditch him thou. She waited for him. As she waited however, she decided to have some fun. There was this super sexy guy that had moved to her neighborhood called Nathaniel. V fell for Nath at first sight, but she respected the fact that she and Joel were not through. Nath was a player as well. She watched him fool around with girls, before one day she ended up in his mother’s kitchen. He’d tried to kiss her but she’d run- literally. However, they’d talked about it and had ended up kissing again, this time lengthily. It became a habit. They would meet for hot passionate make-out sessions.
Nathaniel was a year older than V. He was handsome and charming. He had just completed high school, which placed V a year ahead of him in terms of education. This did not stop her though; she had a huge crash on the guy and had to do something about it. There were many girls interested in him. V was not good with competition so she stopped trying, but he came onto her.
On their first make-out session, he tried to bed her. V had her reservations. Besides, she knew he could get it anywhere he wanted. V also knew that she and Nath would never be an item. After a lengthy persuasive discussion, he agreed to her terms – no s3x. He came to her home for the second session, and all subsequent ones. This was v’s wish because this way she was sure that they would not breach their contract. V’s house help was always home, and she never took Nath to her bedroom. He’d tried to get there once because he knew she was changing. V pushed the door and slammed it in his face. He never tried that again.
Their make-out sessions were the highlights of her first university break. They were hot, and they helped her forget about Joel for a while. She was always horny for Nath, but never got the courage to sleep with him. She’d given him head once and she’d loved it. She’d fallen in love with the choking sensation of a hard penis filling her throat. It turned her on alarmingly. She loved how her mouth filled with slime. She licked him like she did candy on a stick. She enjoyed her he groaned and held onto her hair, pushing his erection deeper into her throat. Her eyes would tear up, and sometimes she would pull it out to catch a breath. She’d then made it a habit. Joel had been different, he did not like head. When she offered it, he would turn it down and eat her up instead. With Martin there had been no making out. A kiss was enough to fire him up and once he was good to go, it didn’t matter whether she was ready or not. Most of the time he’d humped her while she was still dry, no wonder s3x had always been that painful.
V was a daredevil, giving head to a guy in her parent’s sitting room. Nath liked her for her gut. So whenever he wasn’t fooling around with other girls, he sought her out. The closest they’d come to sex was a day when he fingered her. It had felt so good, better than all the sex she’d had, but her step-mother had come back home to pick something she’d forgotten. Fortunately, she knew Nath. She was friend s with his parents. Besides, the two teens were seated in the sitting room, looking innocent as hell. She had opened the door with a certain fire: the kind of energy that screamed, ‘gotcha!’ But when she found out it was Nath and that the two of them were seated and having an innocent conversation, she bailed out. She had no cause to spit out fire. She turned around and walked away. V couldn’t help smelling the disappointment on the back of her neck. V and Nath sat quietly until they were sure she was gone then burst out laughing. Her choice of venue had proven to be perfect and the holiday had come to a successful end without them breaking their agreement. After V went back to school, she and Nath kept in touch, as good friends.
V saw Joel again when school started. None of them spoke to the other until a month later when she did. That October, when he came to her room and started to kiss her she stopped him. She wanted an explanation on why he had been silent the entire time. He told her that he was silent because she had been. Some stupid explanation that later led to a fight.
“You mean to say that if I’d looked for you you’d have talked to me?”
“So, what kept you busy the entire time? Did you sleep with any other girl?”
“No, did you sleep with someone else?”
“Not exactly, But there is this guy I made out with. Nothing serious…”
“At least am being honest. You think I believe you stayed quiet and waited patiently for five months?”
He did not comment on that, he was curious about her kissing another guy.
“So, why didn’t you two go all the way?”
“He had a girlfriend”
“So, if he didn’t you would go with him?” none of them spoke. He waited for her response that was never coming. Then he gave up. “So you’re only with me because I am available.” He paused and looked at her face to see her reaction. “You’re using me… is that why you sought me out when you came back? Because am the only guy available?”
“I didn’t have sex with him, because of you. I would have but, I didn’t. If that’s not good enough for you then ok.”
He didn’t say another word. He stormed out and went silent. V didn’t bother looking for him. She was angered by the fact that what she had done was offensive to him. She was even angrier after realizing that he had been hitting on Angela trying to bag her during the entire time he’d gone silent. She tried to confront him but he denied it. She in fact got back with him. The relationship got bumpier with constant fights. Every time they fought, he would go silent for as long as it took for her to chase him around. Once it took three months. This was the hardest period because she was being ignored by someone she kept bumping into. After a while, she realized she was being an imbecile. Sure she loved the guy her own way, but the drama was too much. Besides, she seemed to be the only one fighting for the relationship. Soon she gave up/. It was easier after she showed up at his place and he was surprised to see her. He was expecting someone else. She left and left him alone.
She was hit on by one Matthew, but his approach wasn’t exactly direct. V thought he wanted to be friends so she was angered when he started curling up behind her, trying to charm her. She stormed out. She had trouble letting go of Joel. One guy she’d met randomly had tried to bed her but she’d burst into tears and he’d left her alone. Then Martin had tried to come back but V had discovered there was nothing there anymore. Joel had introduced her to the good stuff and she was not going to ruin it by going back to Martin.
The next day V woke up feeling stupid about turning Matthew down. Why was she still hung up on the idea that she and Joel could be an item? How many disappointments was she going to take before she realized that that boat had sank? She went back to Matthews to finally get it over and done with. She was tired of the usual “I have a boyfriend” catch phrase she’d made her shield against men. She didn’t have a boyfriend and it was about time she lived up to that. She didn’t miss sex, she just missed him. But she realized that if she was ever going to move on from him, she had to be the one to walk. She realized that Joel knew she loved him and it didn’t matter what he did, she’d still go after him. That evening she walked purposely to Matthew’s flat to apologize for having been rude the previous evening. She wanted to surprise him because she didn’t know what to say on call.
The door was locked from the inside. The lights were off when she got there. She knocked and waited a while. When he opened the door, V wasn’t sure whether to go inside so she waited to be invited in. it did not happen, so she decided to say what had brought her there. As she talked, she noticed he was uneasy. Then it occurred to her to peep inside his house and like you would expect, there was a girl seated silently on his bed. V’s words disappeared with no warning. Her throat felt dry. Her eyes were open with shock. She turned and retraced her steps. After completing the fleet of stairs, she sat at a slab near the entrance. She felt weak at her knees. Her lips were still dry, her gaze distant. She noticed she was attracting attention to herself. She dragged herself out of there slowly and sat at a more discrete location. Soon as she was settled, the trance she was in left her and in came a river of tears. She burst out in tears and couldn’t understand why. She sobbed quietly for a while. She did not understand why. She did not love the guy. He wasn’t even her boyfriend. Besides, she’d turned him down the previous day. He had every right to be with whoever he chose. But V’s ego could not take it. The girl; she had seen on his bed wasn’t anything close to pretty. She wondered if that was his taste in women. Did it mean that she and that girl were his taste? That they were on the same level? V felt humiliated. Especially because she’d thought that the guy actually liked her. She sat there and sobbed within breaks for close to three hours. It was getting late. Then a guy came and sat next to her.
“Hey! I’ve been watching you for a while, are you okay?”
“No” V responded nonchalantly. She wasn’t used to speaking to strangers. And she would never tell them her problems. But the pain she was feeling that night was more than she could take. She needed to release it and what better way than tell a guy she would not remember the next day?
“I just walked in on my boyfriend with another girl”
V knew that the referring to him as her boyfriend would sound sensible. It was also easier way to say it other than say this guy that’s been hitting on me shyly and that I turned down yesterday but isn’t my boyfriend and I don’t really love him.
“Wow! That’s got to be tough!”
They both went silent for a while. Then he spoke again. “In campus these things are common. I had my girlfriend of many years cheat on me with my roommate. She came to see me then they met. She left and lied she’d gone back to Eldoret but I found out later that they were seeing each other. I had to let them both go. It hurt me a lot and ii thought I would die, but look at me now.”
V started to feel better. They talked for a while. She felt her feet regain their strength. She was now ready to go back to where she stayed. Before she left, he asked for her name and if he’d see her again. V’s answer was simple.
“You’ve been great to me this evening. I would feel comfortable if I never gave you the chance to ruin that. Besides, right now I’m a wreck. If we ever meet again then maybe we can get to know each other.”
He smiled. And just like that she left. She didn’t ask for his name either. She chose to consider him God-sent. She slept well that night. The tears she’d shed had been for Joel too because after that evening, she let him go. She knew she was done. She no longer felt the rage. She’d found the closure she needed.